LETTING GO, BREAKING UP AND MOVING ON
The title might sound weird because usually, breaking up goes first before letting go to move on. But for some people and for some despicable reasons, they can’t get unattached to that relationship they’ve outgrown and learned to detest.
Our relationship started November 9, 2004 --- but technically, it should have been December 28th of that year (talking about sailing off the wrong way or a vague way rather). The love was so good, so hot and so sweet. It became obsessive and destructive, then giving and constructive. There were too many wonderful memories drawn, but there were too much pain inflicted too. We broke up many times, but then made up after every split. We spank out of love, and made love after then. We were crazy. However, I must admit, my growth was stunted. I was stuck at 18, and worse, the relationship drew out the worst in me.
As vague as we started, we ended up the same way. Perhaps ‘ending the relationship’ was a wrong choice of word because even after we’ve declared that we’re single again, we still treat each other as if we’re still committed. What once was mine was still his and what was his was still mine. We even made love as time tempted us --- all these talking about ambiguity.
Finally, a call for change suddenly fleets in front of our very eyes. He had a good career offer and left off. In short, I was left behind --- still in my eighteen’s even if it has already been four years. He still tried to make things work, but I guess, both of us grew tired of living in this cycle.
I asked him to at least have the decency to stay away from me. Why? Because I was left with no choice. If he won’t do that, I will stay glued to a world of fantasies we made. That’s the only way to let go. I want him to be out of my grasp.
Letting him go wasn’t so easy. He’s all I’ve got. I’m a loser and I detest to ask help from other people except from him. He’s my life. He’s the only person who knows all my sides, corners and rough edges, and he’s the one who believes that I can turn a rock to a sparkling diamond. I needed that because I wasn’t sure of anything about myself. I existed in this world because of his recognition of my silence. But since he had the courage to leave completely, I was left with no choice but to live my life on my own. Perhaps, I don’t need help from anyone but myself. I need to help ‘me’ move out of my comfort zone and reach into the world so I won’t need anyone to lobby me. I don’t need anyone to believe in me for me to believe in myself. I need to believe in myself so others would believe in me too. I don’t need someone to recognize my existence, but rather, I’ve got to make myself known. I’ve got to exist for the very purpose of existing, then, surprisingly, I was able to let go.
What does breaking up mean? My definition of breaking up is breaking myself to pieces after I’ve let him go. I can’t live my life bearing that puzzle he made me into. I’ve got to break ‘me’ into pieces then slowly and gradually put them again together, making a different yet new and wonderful picture of me. It might have taken me a long wait but patience served me well – and voila! I’m complete again.
I was born anew and my aircraft is ready to make its way through any LPA’s. The pilot has taken its rest and about to travel every corner of the world. I am of no conceit and bitterness, but of hope, wonders and fresh beginnings. I am taking everything with deep awe and gratitude as I color the sky with multitude of colors.
It’s easy looking forward, but right now, I’m still in the process of letting go. It isn’t so easy as the words came flashing out of the pen. But I guess, what I’m trying to say is ‘ I’m ready to leap – not out of desperation to end my life, but out of courage to change its course. I’m holding on to only one thing --- and that is faith. I want to and am trying to open my eyes and recognize God’s special love for me, so I would stop looking for it from anyone. I know I can do this because I will never be alone. God and all the good things that He gave me will lift me high and make me stand anew.
Our relationship started November 9, 2004 --- but technically, it should have been December 28th of that year (talking about sailing off the wrong way or a vague way rather). The love was so good, so hot and so sweet. It became obsessive and destructive, then giving and constructive. There were too many wonderful memories drawn, but there were too much pain inflicted too. We broke up many times, but then made up after every split. We spank out of love, and made love after then. We were crazy. However, I must admit, my growth was stunted. I was stuck at 18, and worse, the relationship drew out the worst in me.
As vague as we started, we ended up the same way. Perhaps ‘ending the relationship’ was a wrong choice of word because even after we’ve declared that we’re single again, we still treat each other as if we’re still committed. What once was mine was still his and what was his was still mine. We even made love as time tempted us --- all these talking about ambiguity.
Finally, a call for change suddenly fleets in front of our very eyes. He had a good career offer and left off. In short, I was left behind --- still in my eighteen’s even if it has already been four years. He still tried to make things work, but I guess, both of us grew tired of living in this cycle.
I asked him to at least have the decency to stay away from me. Why? Because I was left with no choice. If he won’t do that, I will stay glued to a world of fantasies we made. That’s the only way to let go. I want him to be out of my grasp.
Letting him go wasn’t so easy. He’s all I’ve got. I’m a loser and I detest to ask help from other people except from him. He’s my life. He’s the only person who knows all my sides, corners and rough edges, and he’s the one who believes that I can turn a rock to a sparkling diamond. I needed that because I wasn’t sure of anything about myself. I existed in this world because of his recognition of my silence. But since he had the courage to leave completely, I was left with no choice but to live my life on my own. Perhaps, I don’t need help from anyone but myself. I need to help ‘me’ move out of my comfort zone and reach into the world so I won’t need anyone to lobby me. I don’t need anyone to believe in me for me to believe in myself. I need to believe in myself so others would believe in me too. I don’t need someone to recognize my existence, but rather, I’ve got to make myself known. I’ve got to exist for the very purpose of existing, then, surprisingly, I was able to let go.
What does breaking up mean? My definition of breaking up is breaking myself to pieces after I’ve let him go. I can’t live my life bearing that puzzle he made me into. I’ve got to break ‘me’ into pieces then slowly and gradually put them again together, making a different yet new and wonderful picture of me. It might have taken me a long wait but patience served me well – and voila! I’m complete again.
I was born anew and my aircraft is ready to make its way through any LPA’s. The pilot has taken its rest and about to travel every corner of the world. I am of no conceit and bitterness, but of hope, wonders and fresh beginnings. I am taking everything with deep awe and gratitude as I color the sky with multitude of colors.
It’s easy looking forward, but right now, I’m still in the process of letting go. It isn’t so easy as the words came flashing out of the pen. But I guess, what I’m trying to say is ‘ I’m ready to leap – not out of desperation to end my life, but out of courage to change its course. I’m holding on to only one thing --- and that is faith. I want to and am trying to open my eyes and recognize God’s special love for me, so I would stop looking for it from anyone. I know I can do this because I will never be alone. God and all the good things that He gave me will lift me high and make me stand anew.
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