Lay That Cigar Down

The past years? Nothing but work, alcohol and sticks of cigar.

One stick after another, after another, after another, and it went on and on and on..

It was with so much difficulty, and of course a heavy heart, that I had to give up smoking for my job application.

From two to three packs of cigarette a day, I had to totally let go of it because my lungs should be stain free for me to get this job.

I was proud---Oh so proud!

I kept telling my friends, who were still smokers at that time, that I've been smoke free for three LONG months!

Guess what? While writing this, I am currently having my second stick after having one a couple of minutes ago.

Lame!

So it's true. Quitting is never so easy. It's like breaking up with the guy you love, but you end up snuggling him all over again. It's like depriving yourself of a bag for a month, but you end up buying two the next month.

I started smoking when I was 12. Of course it was kept private. Nobody in my family knew, or knows, that I smoke. Nobody influenced me into doing it. Fortunately back in high school, I was surrounded by religiously studious friends, and I was the only one with a bad habit. Of course, I didn't influence any of them into doing that.  Mind you, I was also a good student. Well, it goes to say that smoking doesn't make you a bad person, does it?

True. Smoking doesn't define you as a person, but it does define your H-E-A-L-T-H.

Funny as it may sound, but this struck me quite good---or bitterly.

I only recognized, rather acknowledged, that smoking has indeed took its toll on me when finally my body stopped responding to my brain. It sucked! It sucked so bad. So, I quit. For a few months.

Smoked again.

Until I had to submit to this health check. I laid it down.

During my first few months in Japan, I succeeded in eluding the call of the curse. I just stared at them at 'konbini', convenience stores. First, they're more expensive here. Second, I was so scared of getting sick, ALONE.

But not for very long.

It was a habit. It still is something that coils me, and gives me comfort.

I am not proud of it. 

It's a struggle. It has been a struggle. To fight.

Smoke lit. Puff, and you puff, and you puff. And it feels like something was released from your chest. Though in fact, the nicotine hit you straight where it would surely hurt the most.

Just to let you know. I lit a stick right before I started writing this. I just puffed it once when I lit it. Perhaps because it's impossible to type and smoke at the same time.

It was a lucky escape from the strong urge.

Believe me, the struggle is real.

But please also believe me when I say, I have been trying to quit.

I am 31. I am not healthy. And I don't want all my hard work to be put to waste just because of a nasty illness that could have been avoided.

I know many of you are going through the same thing. I don't have an answer. There's no shortcut for it. There's no strategy whatsoever. All I know is, if we can't totally quit smoking, at least we shouldn't quit trying.

I'll be off to bed now and will try to stare away from this tempting pack beside me.

Tomorrow's another day. The morning coffee is the most difficult to avoid, because coffee just tastes better with it. But I will try.. I will try not to....