... just off the top of my head ...

It has been a while. I've lost count of the years I didn't pick up a pen, or open a notepad to write. I have since avoided silence. Silence scared me to death. That's the time I can clearly hear my head screaming of thoughts I can never blurt out. These thoughts were more than scary. They were, and still are, threatening. How do you manage random thoughts, unanswerable questions, undefined feelings and uncontrollable emotions? How do you address each rant of the mind? How do you make sense of all these? Or, how do you make them go away? Right now, I just realized I am writing three things at the same time. One is about writing, the other one is about smoking--or quitting, and the last one is about---well, love. I feel like I'm starting to be loopy, or looney, whichever way you want to put it. They aren't that different anyway. It just feels so surreal having to be in touch with my mind again. Although I'm sure none of you cares. See? That, ma...

The past years? Nothing but work, alcohol and sticks of cigar. One stick after another, after another, after another, and it went on and on and on.. It was with so much difficulty, and of course a heavy heart, that I had to give up smoking for my job application. From two to three packs of cigarette a day, I had to totally let go of it because my lungs should be stain free for me to get this job. I was proud---Oh so proud! I kept telling my friends, who were still smokers at that time, that I've been smoke free for three LONG months! Guess what? While writing this, I am currently having my second stick after having one a couple of minutes ago. Lame! So it's true. Quitting is never so easy. It's like breaking up with the guy you love, but you end up snuggling him all over again. It's like depriving yourself of a bag for a month, but you end up buying two the next month. I started smoking when I was 12. Of course it was kept private. N...

It has been one hell of a year. Well, it was an exaggeration of course...... I was 29, going on 30. Somehow, I was burned out, frustrated, depressed. I just needed a full 360-degree turn. Or maybe two. I was working for 17-20 hours a day. Though I had a really good position at work, long hours of working didn't give me much life to live. I woke up one day my aunt, who took care of me, gone without me seeing her for a few months. Then my dad gone after 8 months, without me by his side. All these because I was away from home--working my butt out. It took me a few months to finally send this application to apply for a position in Japan. Kind of ironic, right? Why Japan? Why far away from my family? When in fact, I missed a lot back home because of work. Silly? Hold your horses! There's more. The job opening was far from the jobs I've done. For 9 years, I was either a trainer, a project coordinator for materials and course development, or a manager. Al...

I expected the day to be very busy. I was so excited for I know that I will be productive in the sense that I’ll be able to send my nephew back to school after acquiring and surrendering all the requirements asked. I never thought it would be a long and not so ordinary day. Going out of Guiguinto Vocational High school with smile on our faces for having mission one accomplished, my nephew told me that he couldn’t stand his hunger anymore. And so, we went to ‘Lola’s Place’. It is where he usually ate when he was still studying there (for he dropped out last school year). I don’t know if this is coincidence that led us to where a known foe, together with his gang is. He wasn’t actually my nephew’s mortal enemy, but my niece’s (long story). Anyway, he ate there. While eating, those kids were shouting “ O suntukan na lang!!!” “Uy mataba!” (pertaining to me). I guess they thought I was my nephew’s girlfriend. I looked straight to the eye of this kid and he looked back with the same intensit...

Today, my second nephew had his recognition. He was his class's first honor. He was also awarded as the first in Spelling, Math, Science and General Information Quiz Bee. The feeling was more than overwhelming. It's just  indescribable.   I mean, we did not expect anything from him, even though we know that he's no ordinary kid. This thing, is just a  bonus for our family. I can still remember bringing him to school during his summer class before entering formal education. I would wait for him outside on a swing. We were very anxious because he still has a lot of difficulties in speaking that time (although up until now, his speaking is not yet perfect--he's 13). He's different. He is special. He's well-disciplined, he's very obedient, he's very friendly and always cheerful, he never speaks ill of others and is not capable of harming anyone. Now, he's in grade five, and still very innocent, is always afraid of committing mistakes and always trying ...

The title might sound weird because usually, breaking up goes first before letting go to move on. But for some people and for some despicable reasons, they can’t get unattached to that relationship they’ve outgrown and learned to detest. Our relationship started November 9, 2004 --- but technically, it should have been December 28th of that year (talking about sailing off the wrong way or a vague way rather). The love was so good, so hot and so sweet. It became obsessive and destructive, then giving and constructive. There were too many wonderful memories drawn, but there were too much pain inflicted too. We broke up many times, but then made up after every split. We spank out of love, and made love after then. We were crazy. However, I must admit, my growth was stunted. I was stuck at 18, and worse, the relationship drew out the worst in me. As vague as we started, we ended up the same way. Perhaps ‘ending the relationship’ was a wrong choice of word because even after we’ve decl...

People certainly go to a point of a long pit stop. It is a pit stop that makes one frustrated, disheartened, disabled and full of anxiety. It is that stage that goes deeper the more you fight it. It sucks you like quick sand… It takes all the air that you breathe. It drains all the power and energy you have in that ‘winner-takes-it-all’ combat. You become naked as a new born lamb. You become as helpless as a baby lying in the middle of a jungle. You are immobile, but the world won’t halt for you…You are unable to survive when everyone’s running for their lives. And you are there, defenseless, lying underneath. Then you are consumed in deep thoughts of why’s and muddle… Then you become angry to the world--- and more fatally, to yourself. But why do we pass by a point of crashed tires? Why do we feel like we’re made to fail and are always on the losing end? Is it what we call fate? Is it that bad luck that drives us? Or is it just that we think we’re too tough nuts to open our minds ...